


Desperation

by itssoverynicetomeetyou



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, almost as bad as the doctor telling yaz how she feels, blatant feelings avoidance from the doctor, finally got round to writing some thasmin, gah i'm terrible at tagging, like angst-city here, mention of River, thasmin, turned into some SERIOUS angst, yaz coming to terms with her big gay crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-05 06:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16805125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itssoverynicetomeetyou/pseuds/itssoverynicetomeetyou
Summary: The Doctor has feelings for Yaz. Feelings she remembers from before, feelings that have always ended in pain. Will she let herself go through that again?





	1. Chapter 1

“Okay fam, nope, that still doesn’t sound right,” the Doctor started talking as soon as the TARDIS had landed. Hurriedly, she dashed around the console, ensuring all the buttons and levers were in the correct places. “This is a little break, a thank-you of sorts. Just for being you guys, and for being amazin’.” She tried desperately not to look at Yaz, but those dark brown eyes pulled her in, making her lose track of everything else.  
She gave herself a little shake and brought herself back to the moment. “Right, um, this planet is a Christmas market, the whole thing. Isn’t that incredible! Way better than Kerblam, too, cos everything here is handmade. 100% organics as that lady would say.” She paused and hunched over the screen, quickly brushing her fingers over some more buttons. “Here you go!” The TARDIS spat out four thin sticks that glinted slightly in the amber light. Graham frowned and cautiously made his way over to where they had clattered onto the floor. “Credit sticks. I’ve used them before, very useful in time travel. Automatically transfers the correct amount and type of currency to whoever you need to pay, just wave it over their scanner. A bit like your contactless card machines back home.” Graham distributed the sticks between the four of them. The Doctor looked at hers curiously; she’d only asked the TARDIS for three, but now wasn’t the time to quibble. Forcing a smile onto her face, she ushered her friends out the doors. The TARDIS gave a small groan as she locked the door and she rested a hand gently against the wood.  
“Doctor? You coming?” Yaz asked, her face all eyes and smiles. The Doctor turned to face her friend, just her friend, and tried to smile. It didn’t quite reach her eyes.  
“Not just yet, got a few errands to run first. You guys go on ahead.” Ryan didn’t need telling twice, he’d already spotted some strange mechanical gizmos on a nearby stall that were just calling out for him to look at. Graham trailed after him, half-heartedly telling him to be careful. Yaz hovered, her smile disappearing with the Doctor’s.  
“Are you ok?” The Doctor dropped her gaze to her boots, scrubbing the ground with her toe.  
“Yeah, just need to talk to someone. They should be around here somewhere.” Yaz took a step forward and touched the Doctor’s arm.  
“I’m here if you don’t find them.” The Doctor looked back up at her. Gods, her smile was infectious.  
A sudden yelp made them break away from each other. Apparently the gizmo Ryan had picked up from the stall had taken a disliking to him and was currently on the ground chasing him around in a circle like a pair of wind-up teeth.  
“Be careful, Ryan!” Yaz called. The Doctor gently took Yaz’s hand off her arm.  
“Go on, I’ll find you guys later.” Yaz gave her a worried smile, then turned to catch up with Graham who was crouching on the ground trying to capture the gizmo whilst loudly complaining about his knees.  
With her attention turned elsewhere, the Doctor took the opportunity to watch Yaz for a moment. She had no idea if the machine was sentient or not, but she had automatically started talking to it in a soothing voice and it soon nestled on her hand, content with her gently stroking it.  
Behind her, the TARDIS gave another low groan. The Doctor absent-mindedly stroked the wood, then turned and headed off into the crowd.  
After what felt like hours of dodging ever-keen vendors and knots of people, she found what she was looking for. A stall draped in dark silks on all sides with a small slit on one side to allow entry. A sign hovered over the slit reading ‘in business, please take a seat’ so the Doctor took a seat on the small stool that stood to one side. She tried to sit still and watch the crowds, but her brain refused to stay quiet. Soon enough, her fingers were worrying the cuff of her coat and her face covered in a nervous frown.  
Finally, the silks beside her were thrown open and a tall, crab-like creature scuttled out, bobbing up and down in its thanks. The Doctor watched as it made its way through the crowd and disappeared from sight.  
“Are you ready?” The Doctor jumped from her reverie and looked up to see a figure standing over her, holding the silks open, waiting for her to enter the makeshift tent. Nervously, she stood and made her way inside.  
The interior was almost pitch black and the Doctor stumbled at the sudden change only to find a hand steady her and guide her to a seat.  
“Many are shocked at the darkness, but I find it helps with revealing secrets of the future.”  
“I haven’t come for that.” The Doctor said hurriedly. “Not a fan of spoilers, me.” There was a short pause.  
“Then what have you come for?”  
“You spent some time with some friends of mine. The Sisterhood of Khan.” The Doctor avoided the question, unsure exactly what it was she wanted. “I’d talk to them, only it’s a little tricky with timelines. You’re the closest I could find.”  
“It has been many years since my time with them.”  
“I-I need some advice.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team's adventure on the planet

“I’m hungry, fancy finding something to eat?” Graham remarked after a few hours of wandering.  
“Can we sit down for a bit? These bags are getting heavy.” Ryan remarked from his spot behind the others, trailing a little due to the mass of bags attached to each arm.  
“You did offer to carry everything.” Yaz gave a cheeky smile. Ryan stuck his tongue out at her in return.  
“Here, you smell that?” Graham held a hand up and the others automatically stopped and started sniffing the air.  
“Dunno what it is but I want some!” Ryan said, picking up the pace and leading the group towards a small stall set back from the caucus, simply covered with plain fabric with clay replicas of various spice plants hanging from the ceiling.  
“Warmest greetings my delicious friends!” The vendor smiled widely at the three of them. “What may I serve with you?” Ryan gave a small start and looked nervously at Graham and Yaz. Yaz gave a small shrug; all the people on the planet spoke slightly differently to them, most of the things in the bags they had accidentally bought due to miscommunication. She kept her distance though, just in case.  
“Uh, what’ve you got mate?” Graham asked, copying Yaz and keeping a distance.  
“Almost anything you can imagine!” The vendor spread his arms wide and gave them another grin.  
“So, uh, where is it? The food I mean?” Ryan asked. He was right, despite the vendor’s claims, the stall was distinctly empty.  
“It smells wonderful, whatever it is.” Yaz hurriedly added when the vendor’s smile faded.  
“Let me show you my wonderful secret.” The vendor reached up and plucked one of the replicas from above his head. He gave it a large sniff and, with a flourish, offered it to Ryan. Graham was the closest and went to take it but the vendor pulled it back. “No, it is for him.” Awkwardly, Ryan put the collection of bags down and stepped forward the take the replica.  
“But this is just-” he stopped, suddenly speechless. The object in his hands had changed into a bowl of stew, steam gently trailing off the top. He lifted the bowl to his lips and took a sip; a slight hint of spice, just how his mother had made it when he was young. He swallowed thickly, suddenly aware of how much he missed home. “It-It’s beautiful.” Graham watched his grandson intently, aware of how rarely he was overcome with emotion.  
“How do you do that?” Yaz asked, ever curious.  
“I simply provide you with what comforts you the most; a bite of home.” He reached up and pulled two replicas from the roof, offering them to Graham and Yaz. Graham eagerly reached for his, knowing that he would taste tea just the way Grace made it. He closed his eyes in bliss, a shallow smile playing about his lips. Yaz was more hesitant, slowly chewing her bite to analyse what this stranger thought her home meant to her. Her eyebrows quirked into a frown, followed by a private smile as she looked at the ground to hide her blush.  
“Found you! At last!” The Doctor’s voice made them all jump. “Have you any idea how big this market is? It’s the size of a planet! Well, it is a planet. I know I told you that before but WOW that’s big. It’s like looking for a sonic mine on a junk planet. Wait, that came out wrong. A sonic mine that was nice. And in triplicate because there’s three of you.”  
“Hey, Doc, you’re going off on one again.” Graham gently chided her.  
“Too soon mate.” Ryan shook his head. Yaz stayed silent, watching the intensity of her friend. Were her eyes slightly red? She couldn’t tell.  
“Come on team, home time.” She turned to go then reversed and looked at the pile of bags in horror. “How long did I leave you alone for?”  
“Communication problems.” Yaz supplied, stepping forward and taking a handful of bags. The Doctor frowned.  
“There shouldn’t have been. The TARDIS can translate almost anything and I made sure we landed somewhere she knew. There must be something wrong. Come on.” She whipped round once more and strode off into the crowd. Without hesitating, Yaz followed. Graham and Ryan exchanged a look.  
“Better do as the Doc says. Let me help you with the bags.”  
“Wait, we didn’t pay for the food.” Ryan turned to the stall but it had gone. “Well that’s weird.”  
“Even more reason to keep up with the Doc if things are disappearing.” Graham urged and the two gathered the rest of the bags and headed back into the crowd.


	3. Chapter 3

Yaz couldn’t sleep. She’d needed some space when they got back to the TARDIS and had feigned tiredness, earning herself sympathetic looks and even the TARDIS moving her room closer to the console room. At first she thought all she needed was sleep but after a few hours of trying it was obvious she wasn’t going to get any. The day’s events were playing over in her mind, refusing to go away until she looked over them. Sighing, she sat up in bed and flicked on the bedside lamp. She spent a few minutes trying to get comfortable whilst sitting up but soon realised that she needed a walk. Silently, she thanked the TARDIS for not making it too cold at night as she got out of bed and padded to her bedroom door.  
The TARDIS had been playing with the rooms again. When she stepped out she expected a corridor, perhaps the kitchen opposite, but she stepped straight into the console room. Strange, she’d never been that close before. A small smile crossed her face and she closed her eyes, enjoying the fizzy metallic smell that filled the room. This was home. The strange food had confirmed what she’d suspected for a while; the TARDIS was home and Ryan, Graham and the Doctor were her family. The only thing that was missing from what the food had shown her was the strawberry shampoo-  
A stifled sob snapped her back to the present. She opened her mouth to ask who was there but realised it was pointless. Who else would be in the console room in the middle of the night? Well, apart from her, obviously. Softly, she crept forwards, unsure how to announce her presence.  
The Doctor was sitting cross-legged on the floor beneath the console, her back to Yaz. Part of the floor was pulled up and a chest was sitting in front of her, its contents reverently spread out in a circle. It was mainly photos, but Yaz didn’t recognise any of the women in them. For someone who constantly told stories, the Doctor had always been vague about what people looked like. A few objects were mixed in with the photos; a piece of broken Chinese pottery, a dangly earring and something that looked disturbingly like a gun.  
Yaz squinted at the lid of the chest, it simply said ‘R’. She was about to ask what it stood for when the Doctor reached forward and pulled out a blue jacket from the chest, burying her face in it and inhaling deeply.  
“Gods, this hurts.” She whispered quietly to herself. Yaz pulled back, unsure what to do. She felt like she was intruding on something deeply private and Yaz didn’t want to embarrass her. Equally, something inside her wanted to ignore all of that and hold her tight and never let go. It broke her heart to see the Doctor this sad. Yaz almost gasped at that realisation, hastily biting her tongue to stop herself from making a sound.  
The Doctor, still clutching the jacket, reached for a photo of a curly-haired woman. The reverently traced the woman’s face with her thumb and her body shook as she held back sobs. Yaz longed to go to her, but her brain won out and she slowly retreated back to her room, unable to tear her eyes from the Doctor’s desolate form.  
By now she knew the layout of the console room by heart; it was the one place the TARDIS didn’t change on a daily basis. She knew she had reached the far wall where her bedroom had appeared and reached behind her for the handle. She was met with empty space. Yaz whipped round in surprise and crashed into a corner created by a newly appeared corridor. Behind her, the Doctor jumped.  
“Who’s there?” She called, trying to hide the thick emotion in her voice. Yaz didn’t hesitate, she fled down the corridor, silently wishing the TARDIS would materialise her bedroom soon and she could hide.  
Back in the console room, the Doctor stayed where she was, straining to hear the fast disappearing footsteps.  
“Yaz?” She called quietly, hope evident in her voice. Silence was her only response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh crumbs I felt awful writing this. Trust me, I needed to for the rest of the story to make sense.  
> Anyway, who recognised all the references in the chest?  
> I really should go to sleep and not write chapter 4, given that I've written all of the story so far today. Honestly. I should go to bed. Really.


	4. Chapter 4

“Sure you don’t want me to fetch the car?”

“Nope, gotta do this myself Graham.”

“Seriously, still Graham?”

“Yes Graham.”

The quick banter approached the console room, revealing a defeated Graham and a very much weighed-down Ryan.

“I swear there wasn’t that much stuff when we left the planet.” Yaz commented from her position, leaning against a crystal column. The tell-tale sound of the Doctor’s sonic started up as she came out from behind the console and scanned the bags’ contents.

“Well, some of the things have multiplied. Cheap scam, run by some of the dodgier vendors. Should have warned you about them really, must have forgotten. The stuff you buy needlessly multiplies until you go back to them begging for it to stop at which point they charge an arm and a leg to do so. Literally, sometimes.” She seemed to notice that she was rambling and snapped back to the present. “Gotta take those things off you before you leave the TARDIS. Can’t have the Earth piling up with even more useless rubbish.” She dived forward and began rummaging through the bags, making confused noises every now and then as she came across strange objects.

“I mean this isn’t even made for your species. Your teeth aren’t in the back of your head.” She stopped and pulled out a strange bristled brush with a large fan built in to the end. “How did you end up with it?”

“Communication issues.” Yaz repeated what she’d said the previous day. The Doctor frowned and threw it to one side.

“Must fix that before we go anywhere else. It’s not so bad when you end up with a Lorathian’s toothbrush-come-hairdryer but what if it’s something serious like ‘the airlock is on the left, the escape pod is on the right’? Wouldn’t want to get that the wrong way around!” She turned her attention back to the bags and, after a few more thuds of things being thrown across the room, she gave Ryan a nod.

“Happy present-giving you two!” She waited for the doors to click shut after them before turning to Yaz. “Didn’t you get things as well?”

“Ryan said he’d drop my presents round at my place.” Yaz replied with a shrug, looking at the floor. The Doctor frowned.

“Do you not want to go home? Is everything ok?” She approached Yaz and reached out to put a comforting hand on her arm.

“Everything’s fine, I just wanted to stay here a bit longer.” Yaz hoped the Doctor wouldn’t see through her careful bending of the truth. She still couldn’t get the image of the Doctor crying out of her head. It seemed so wrong. The Doctor was bright and bubbly and smiles, not sobbing in a ball on the floor sniffing some jacket. Had she missed something in the Doctor’s personality? Was the Doctor hiding something? She’d decided to stay on the TARDIS to find out. Quite how, she hadn’t figured out yet, but that’s where her police training kicked in. She was good at thinking on her feet.

The Doctor dropped her hand and turned back to the console. Part of her wanted to ask how much Yaz had seen last night, part of her was still convinced the disturbance had been her imagination. Or the TARDIS. It was getting difficult to separate the two by this point.

“Well, you’re welcome to stay but I’m just going to be parked here for a bit while I take a look at the translation circuit.”

“Do you want a hand?” Yaz smiled. A genuine smile; for all her worries, she still adored the thought of spending time with the Doctor. The Doctor couldn’t help but return it.

“You could pass me things. It’s kinda up a hole though; difficult to get two people up there.” Yaz nodded and removed her jacket, discarding it in a pile at the base of a crystal pillar. The Doctor tried not to look at it, tried not to remember the other jacket that had been discarded on the TARDIS. Instead, she removed her own coat and placed it on top of Yaz’s, a silent promise that this jacket would not be forgotten. She turned round to the console but before she even reached it, the engines started up with an excited whirr.

“Doctor?” Yaz asked, a note of panic in her voice.

“I haven’t done anything! I didn’t even touch the console!” The Doctor cried, rushing around, trying to work different buttons and levers but all to no avail. “It’s like the TARDIS is flying herself.” It wasn’t like it at all, the TARDIS was flying herself. The Doctor swallowed down the rising fear in her throat. “Hold onto something Yaz, this landing won’t be pretty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um, not sure what's happened with the formatting here if anyone knows how to fix it please tell me.  
> ok I'm actually going to sleep now, although the next chapter is already tap-tap-tapping at my window so it'll probably get written and uploaded tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

The TARDIS landed with a thump, making Yaz lose her grip on the pillar and fall to the ground.

“Yaz! Are you alright?” The Doctor rushed over to her, hands reaching out to help but hesitating at the last moment.

“I’ll be fine,” Yaz replied, slowly getting up. “Just a bit of a surprise, that’s all.” She hid a wince as she put her weight on her right hand. She’d landed on it hard and it felt like she’d sprained something, but she didn’t want the Doctor to worry. The TARDIS was playing up and judging by the fear the Doctor was badly concealing, something was very wrong.

The Doctor sprang away from Yaz and ran back to the console, pulling a screen round to look at the readouts. The screen flickered and went blank, causing the Doctor to hit the side of it.

“What’s wrong?” Yaz asked as she approached the Doctor.

“I can’t get any readouts; I don’t know what’s out there.” The Doctor kept looking at the screen. “The TARDIS brought me here, so she must think it’s important.” She muttered to herself, only to be stopped by a hand on her arm. “Yaz,” she looked at her friend, basking in the trust and warmth that Yaz radiated. “I have to go out there.” Yaz nodded. “I can’t guarantee it’ll be safe.”

“You never have,” Yaz replied. “But I still want to go with you.” She gave a small smile. This had to be a way of finding out more about the Doctor.

The two made their way to the doors. At the last minute, the Doctor stopped and turned round.

“Do you want your jacket? It might be cold.”

“I’ll be fine. Stop stalling.” Yaz replied, ignoring the twinge of pain that ran up her wrist at the thought of putting on a jacket. Something made the Doctor pause, a shadow of painful memories crossing her face. Yaz reached for her hand. “Come on.” They opened the doors together.

They were standing in a large ballroom. Or at least, what used to be a large ballroom. The gilding was mostly flaked off and the large mural on the ceiling was badly cracked. One corner was clearly water damaged from a leak that steadily dripped into a bucket on the floor. A cold draft came from the windows, making the Doctor regret leaving her coat behind. Yaz was grateful for something cool on her wrist and went towards them on the pretence of looking out. Outside was dark, not even stars visible in the sky. Fat lot of use that was then. Where were they that the TARDIS thought was so important?

The TARDIS gave a shuddering moan and the Doctor whipped round.

“What’s wrong?” She pressed a hand against the wood of the doors. “Why are you doing this?”

“Welcome, guests.” A voice made both the Doctor and Yaz jump. A tall man was standing in the middle of the room, his hands spread in a polite greeting. The Doctor stalked towards him.

“What have you done? Why are we here? Can’t help noticing this place has seen better days, I really hope you don’t expect us to do it up again for you.” She paused and sniffed the air around him. “Short distance teleport, 23rd Century, cheap and nasty. Unfortunately for you I know that technology so you won’t get any praise from me.” Her tone was accusatory, almost angry. The man stayed still, waiting for her to finish. “What did you do to bring us here? I don’t appreciate my ship being hijacked by someone looking for an audience for a cheap thrills show.” She pulled her sonic form her trouser pocket and scanned him. “Well at least you’re real and not a cheap hologram.” She said, looking at the readout. “Does slightly spoil the ending though. What were you planning; have me throw something at you and briefly teleport so that it looked like it went through you? In case it hasn’t been blatantly obvious, I’m not interested in cheap tricks.” The Doctor stopped, breathing hard. She hadn’t meant all of that, in fact, she hadn’t meant most of it. She knew the events of the previous day had got to her, but she’d never felt so much in this body before. Is that how she reacted to pain? Get angry?

“Welcome to the House of Ish-Narth.” He continued but all Yaz could hear was a series of sputters and consonants.

“Doctor?” She asked. In response, the Doctor turned the sonic on the TARDIS.

“-our gratitude.” The man finished, looking at the Doctor’s antics with mild confusion.

“Problems with the translation circuit,” She explained curtly.

“Do you need me to repeat what I said?” The man seemed to have infinite patience, Yaz noted.

“No. Just tell me what you do here.” The Doctor’s tone still hadn’t changed. In response, the man extended his arm to point at the back wall. The wall came in, clearly there had originally been a fireplace there, but now the entire section was covered by a large frame that extended from the floor to the ceiling. Yaz hadn’t noticed it before as the frame had appeared empty, just showing the wall hidden behind it, but now it became black with some grey smoke-like image swirling in the centre. The Doctor stayed where she was, clearly not impressed.

“The Secret is the only remaining artefact of the other-worldly family that lived here-“

“Oh do stop. Just tell me what I’m doing here.” Yaz shot the Doctor a look, now she was just being rude.

“Exactly how it works is unknown-” the man was cut off by a sigh from the Doctor. “The Secret can detect what you miss the most and bring it to you.” The Doctor looked sharply at him.

“How?”

“Exactly how it works is unknown, but if you hold this,” the man offered a small black disc to the Doctor. Instantly, her brusqueness disappeared. She looked at Yaz, suddenly seeming deflated. Yaz held her gaze, unsure what the Doctor was trying to communicate.

“Maybe this is what the TARDIS wanted you to find.” Yaz offered with an uncertain smile. The Doctor hesitantly returned the smile, then reached for the disc. On the wall, the Secret gave a loud pop and reflected the room, only there was an extra person in the reflection. Yaz recognised her from the photograph, it was the woman with curly hair.

“River,” the Doctor gasped.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've upped the rating; minor character death in this chapter

The woman in the frame looked at the Doctor in surprise, then a wicked grin crossed her face. Yaz could see her lips move but no sound came out. The Doctor ran forward and traced the woman’s face like she had the previous night.

“Hello sweetie,” she whispered, her face full of love and hope. Yaz’s heart broke for a second time.

“How does it work?” The Doctor rounded on the man, holding out the disc accusingly. The man gulped.

“It is not known how the Secret works.” The Doctor wrinkled her nose.

“Fat lot of use you are. If you can’t say anything useful, get out of my way.” She turned back to the Secret, running her hands along the sides of the frame. “Aha!” She exclaimed, prising a panel off one side, letting the useless plastic clatter to the floor. Ignoring the man’s protests, she started pulling coils of wire out of the frame.

“Doctor!” Yaz called in warning; the image of the woman started fading as the wires were removed. Immediately, the Doctor stopped, looking over at Yaz guiltily. Yaz froze momentarily under her gaze.

“What’s wrong, Yaz?” Her voice had softened from the harsh tone she’d used with the man. From deep in her stomach a part of Yaz’s broken heart fluttered. She ignored it and pointed at the mirror. The speed at which the Doctor ran to the woman in the frame made the brief animation of Yaz’s heart stop; she could only hope it was for good. She was going to need a very big cup of tea and some tissues when she got home.

“River,” the Doctor rested a hand against the glass and the woman followed suit. If she closed her eyes, the Doctor could pretend she could feel the warmth of River’s touch. “I will get you out of this.” She darted to the side of the frame once more, pulling her sonic out.

“Yaz, keep an eye on her, tell me if she starts disappearing again.” The Doctor kept an upbeat tone, but avoided looking at her friend. She was busy with the wires, she had to concentrate. At least, that’s what she told herself.

Yaz kept a careful eye on the woman, River, the Doctor had called her. Was she the owner of the blue jacket? How long had it been since the Doctor had last seen her? Judging by River’s surprise it had certainly been a while. What did she smell like? Yaz mentally slapped herself for that one. It was none of her business what the woman smelt like. Probably not strawberry shampoo. The thought came unwarranted and Yaz blinked. Had she been reading signs into things that weren’t? She liked the smell of her strawberry shampoo and had brought it on board the TARDIS when she came to stay officially. When the Doctor started using it she thought that maybe- Yaz closed her eyes. Obviously not. The Doctor had just wanted to use some shampoo and probably couldn’t find any other bottle. It wasn’t a sign at all, it meant nothing.

The Doctor slowly backed away from the side of the frame, gently paying out the wires until she was directly in front of River once more, a huge knot of wires in her hand.

“Right,” the Doctor said. “Just need to untangle these a bit, figure out which wires do what. Should be easy, just like knitting really. Or maybe I mean knitting backwards? Not sure on that.” She dropped to the floor and sat cross-legged, gently guiding wires between themselves. A pair of hands appeared in her vision.

“Need a hand?” Was it her, or did Yaz’s hands just shake? Wordlessly, the Doctor passed the mass of knots over and sprang up to run over to the TARDIS. Yaz sank to the floor and busied herself with untangling the wires, trying to empty her mind of painful thoughts.

From inside the TARDIS came a series of bangs, thumps and the occasional cry of frustration. Yaz looked up at the sound of running feet and saw the Doctor dump an armful of electrics by the frame before heading back in the TARDIS. Yaz scrutinised the pile; she recognised the kettle, a lava lamp, was that half of the toaster? The Doctor made several more trips, each time Yaz tried to place the objects but it became harder and harder; the Doctor was obviously taking things from rooms Yaz had yet to find in the TARDIS. But did she really want to stay? Yaz almost dropped the wires at that thought. Were her feelings for the Doctor so entwined with her staying on the TARDIS, exploring the universe? Yaz swallowed thickly and stared at the floor. She didn’t want to think about this now.

She couldn’t help wishing the Doctor would notice her during the next mad dash and stop, resting a hand on her shoulder and asking if she was ok in the way that made Yaz feel totally safe. Footsteps rushed forward to the frame. Footsteps rushed past her, back to the TARDIS. Yaz rubbed angrily at her eyes and resumed work on the tangle of wires.

When she next trusted herself to look up without crying, the Doctor was crouched over a strange amalgamation of machines. Extraneous parts were scattered haphazardly across the ballroom floor, bare wires and jagged edges carelessly left to injure an unsuspecting passer-by. Yaz became aware of movement on one side and looked round to see the man from earlier. Had he been standing there the whole time? She didn’t know.

“What are your intentions?” The man asked. The Doctor ignored him, scanning her botched machine with the sonic and carefully looking at the readings. “I must ask, what is the purpose of this?” Nodding at the readings, the Doctor finally acknowledged the man, hefting the machine onto her hip and pointing at various parts of it.

“Purpose of this? Well, this bit’s for making toast, that bit’s from my favourite kettle ever, sad to lose that one, and this bit here is from the truth/beauty quark shielding on a 22nd Century anti-matter drive. Old-fashioned with the names, see, never quite understood the change. I mean seriously, what’s more boring than top and bottom? Way more interesting with truth and beauty, I reckon.” The man blinked at her, waiting for her to finish. “But the purpose of the whole thing when it’s put together? That’s the brilliant bit. You see,” the Doctor pulled the now tangle-free wires from Yaz’s hands and started jamming them into the machine. “I am very clever. Sometimes, I’m too clever for my own good, but this time, I’m just good. You said the Secret brought whatever I was missing to me, but River isn’t quite here. I reckon the Secret is broken, judging from the décor I doubt you know how to keep technology thousands of years beyond your understanding in tip-top working condition. See what I’ve done is built this,” she finished putting the wires into the machine and placed it on the floor. “Which, if I’m right, and I’m always right by the way, will fix whatever is broken, and let River come all the way through. The Secret will bring me what I am missing the most.” With a flourish, she pointed the sonic at the machine and turned it on.

The machine gave a loud whine, sparks running along the wires back towards the Secret. The frame started to glow with heat and the grey smoke started to waft around River. There was a loud crash and the frame shattered, sending the three of them flying back.

Acrid smoke filled the Doctor’s lungs and she coughed, flipping onto her side then staggering to her feet.

“River!” She called, running forward in the vague direction of the Secret. She tripped over something red hot and fell to the floor, cursing under her breath. Flapping to dispel some of the smoke, she saw the burnt-out remains of the machine she’d built. Glad she’d kept hold of her sonic she gave it a quick once-over. The readout confirmed what she thought; even when it was cool enough to touch, it was beyond repair.

“River!” She called once more.

Yaz opened her eyes and blinked, taking in the blackened surroundings. A faint groan came from her right and she looked over to see the man sprawled on his back, a piece of metal sticking from his side. She crawled over to where he lay, trying to assess how badly he was hurt. It didn't take long for her to realise he was in a really bad way. She tried to call for the Doctor but the smoke made her mouth dry and all that came out was a hacking cough.

“Doctor!” She tried again, relief flooding through her when she saw a figure making its way towards them. When she saw the man, the Doctor fell to her knees, her hands flying to his side.

“You need a bandage, I left my coat on the TARDIS.” She muttered. Without hesitation, Yaz pulled off her jumper and passed it to the Doctor. The Doctor paused, looking at the jumper with an unreadable expression before blinking and pressing it to the wound.

“River!” She turned her head and called into the smoke, hoping that she hadn’t been injured too. She’d been stupid, leaving the discarded pieces of machines lying around. Sure, she hadn’t expected the explosion but this was her life, she really should be prepared for the unexpected. Especially explosions.

A hand touched her arm and she looked back at the man, his lips were moving but she couldn’t hear his words. Careful to keep pressure on his wound, she leaned over so that she was so close to him she could feel his ragged breaths against her cheek.

“I… do not understand… your purpose.” The Doctor frowned. What was he trying to tell her? “The Secret only detects-” he broke off with a pained gasp. When he started speaking again, it was a series of clicks and consonants. The Doctor raised the sonic in the general direction of the TARDIS and turned it on. The man stopped talking and the Doctor gave him a small shake.

“Say that again.”

“The Secret…cannot…bring. It only…shows.” With a rasping cough, he went limp.

The Doctor felt sick. Had she become so reliant on the translation circuit that she couldn’t spot a discrepancy in translation? She let go of the jumper, letting it slip to the ground. Yaz gave her a confused look but it didn’t even register. Slowly, she walked across the room. Thanks to the draft from the windows the smoke had somewhat cleared. Not completely, but enough to see what she needed to. The Secret was shattered, broken beyond repair, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care. At that moment only one thing mattered, and it rattled around her brain so loudly that she couldn’t think of anything else.

They were alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.  
> I'm so sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've split the final chapter into two just because I want to get something up today and it's turning out to be a little longer than I'd expected. All the more story for you guys though!

Yaz was hunched over the man’s body, trying not to shiver in the draft. She didn’t see the Doctor’s frantic search of the room but knew from the way her voice died in her throat that the woman hadn’t made it through. Silence fell and she wrapped her uninjured arm around herself.  
From behind her there came a keening sound that gradually got louder. Yaz could hear the pain in it, almost feel the years of loss that were behind it. The cry got so loud that Yaz wanted to put her hands over her ears, but a shooting pain in her wrist made her keep still.  
The Doctor couldn’t help the cry that escaped her lips, couldn’t stop it from reaching into her soul and ripping at her heart. Hot tears streamed down her face, stinging her eyes. She was angry, so very angry. She hadn’t felt this angry for a very long time. She wanted to…hurt something. The burnt-out remains of the machine she’d built lying by her feet seemed the closest thing. Ignoring the pain and smell of hot flesh, she picked it up and hefted it across the room.  
Yaz winced at the thud. The cry stopped with it. Suddenly, the silence seemed too much to bear. She looked round at the Doctor silhouetted in the smoke. The confidence with which she normally carried herself was gone; she seemed so much smaller without it.  
Slowly, the Doctor turned and walked towards Yaz.  
“Come on,” she muttered at the floor, spinning and heading for the TARDIS before Yaz had even started moving. The TARDIS engines started up and Yaz had to run to get inside.  
The Doctor was busy at the console, it almost seemed like she had to press more buttons this time around, but her usual flair and eagerness was gone. The engines started whining more than usual and the Doctor gave up, flipping one final lever.  
“Don’t go outside, we haven’t landed.” Even her voice was flat, hair hanging down and hiding her face.  
“Doctor,” Yaz started, but then trailed off, unsure how to go on. “I’m sorry.” She wanted to go to her and wrap her in a hug, but the pain of the last few hours was still raw and she didn’t trust herself.  
The Doctor flinched at her apology. Her brave, bubbly Doctor actually flinched when she spoke. Anger flared up inside Yaz.  
“Why won’t you look at me? You’ve barely looked at me since that woman appeared in the Secret. It’s like you’re ashamed of me.” Was it possible for the Doctor to shrink even more? “Doctor!” At that, the Doctor sprang into action, launching herself at the console, positively hitting buttons until the engines sputtered into life. The whole room tilted to one side and Yaz lost her footing, sliding across the floor and crashing into a pillar. She couldn’t help the scream of pain as her wrist bore the worst of the impact. With a final, heaving groan, the engines stopped once more.  
“You should go home.” The Doctor still hadn’t turned round, not even at her cry of pain. Angry tears stung at Yaz’s eyes.  
“Right. Well then.” Even then, she couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye. She spun on her heel and stalked out the doors, letting them slam shut behind her.  
The Doctor sagged against the console, slowly sliding down until she was huddled underneath it. The fortune-teller’s words echoed in her head.  
“You cannot choose who you love. You cannot choose how they live, how they die. But you can choose how to love them, how to honour them when they’ve gone. Wouldn’t they all want you to live instead of torturing yourself with this grief? This fear of losing again?”  
She tried to wipe her eyes but only succeeded in smearing grease across her face. She needed a tissue. Automatically, she reached for her coat pocket but then remember she wasn’t wearing it. Panic filled her head; what had happened? Had she left it behind? Had it been torn to shreds in the explosion? Her hearts thudded with relief when she saw it neatly folded on the floor just a few feet away from her. Ignoring the protests of the burns on her palms, she crawled over and started to scavenge for a tissue. Briefly, her fingers brushed the smooth leather of Yaz’s jacket.  
No.  
Not another forgotten jacket.  
Never again.  
She grabbed the jacket and sprang to her feet, charging out the TARDIS doors.  
“Yaz! YAZ!” She shouted.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nope, last chapter is even longer than I first thought!

Yaz had stormed back to her flat, not caring how much it hurt her wrist to slam the door open. It felt good to make noise, to slam things around.

“Gently, please,” her father called from his usual position on the sofa. When no muttered apology came in response, he got up, ready to firmly admonish Sonya, because it was always Sonya slamming the doors.

The sight that greeted him made his heart stutter. Yaz, shivering in her thin t-shirt, covered in dust and grime from the explosion, nursing her injured wrist and utterly failing at keeping her tears at bay. Hakim’s voice failed him and he opened his arms. Like a lost child, Yaz surged forward and buried herself in his hug, sobs racking her body.

They stayed like that until the sobs subsided and Hakim was able to peel Yaz from him and lead her to the kitchen where he found a cloth and started to wipe away the grime. Yaz winced as he brushed her wrist and he frowned before turning to retrieve the first aid kit from the cupboard. Through all this he stayed quiet; he knew his eldest would speak when she was ready. He was searching through the kit for a bandage and splint when her voice came, soft and quiet, like it used to when she came home from school after being bullied.

“It all went wrong.” Yaz bit back a sob. “I-I liked someone and I thought they liked me back but they don’t and now I’ve made them angry and-”her words sped up and her father stopped her by resting a hand on her uninjured one.

“You can say the Doctor, love. Your mum told me.” Yaz couldn’t help the fresh tears that fell at the memory. The first time she thought the Doctor liked her back, her schoolgirl blush that her mum didn’t mention but had absolutely noticed.

Hakim finished bandaging her wrist and reached to pull her into a hug once more, but he was interrupted by a frantic banging on the front door.

“Yaz! Please! Please be in there!” Yaz stiffened and closed her eyes at the Doctor’s voice, torn between hiding in her room until she left and flinging the door open. “I know you’re on this floor, I counted the stairs last time I was here, but I can’t remember which number you are and I’ve already tried most of the others and they all look really confused and- I need you to be in there. Please, Yaz. Please be in there.”

Footsteps crossed to the door and it clicked open, the chain catching so that it didn’t open too far.

“Yaz-” The Doctor trailed off then corrected herself. “Yaz’s dad. Hi.”

“Hakim,” Yaz heard her father say, and slowly turned around to watch. The door was hiding her from the Doctor, but from the way he held his shoulders, she could tell her father was angry.

“Hi Hakim. Is Yaz there?”

“You got yourself into a bit of a scrape, didn’t you?” Hakim ignored the Doctor’s question. For the first time, the Doctor looked down and took in her ripped clothes and skin covered in cuts and burns.

“Um,” was the best she could manage. Silently, Yaz slipped off the kitchen counter and padded to behind the door, looking through the peephole at the Doctor. To his credit, her dad didn’t even flinch.

“You never hurt her again, you hear me?” The Doctor sagged again, as if Hakim has broken her with his words. Perhaps he had. “Yaz comes home, covered in grime and bruises with a sprained wrist which you don’t seem to have noticed, crying her eyes out-” the Doctor straightened.

“Yaz came here? Is she there now?” Her eyes momentarily got their brightness back. “Please, I need to talk to her.” From behind the door, Yaz fought her dry mouth.

“I’m here.” Her dad looked at her in surprise. Yaz shrugged in response; until she’d spoken she hadn’t wanted to talk to the Doctor. She stepped forward, gently pushing her dad out of the way so that she could see her.

“Give me your wrist,” the Doctor said urgently.

“Why-”

“Please, Yaz.” The Doctor held out her hands impatiently. Frowning, Yaz closed the door. “Wait! Yaz!” Before the frantic knocking could start up again, Yaz flicked the chain off and re-opened the door, fully this time.

“I was just taking the chain off,” Yaz explained, but fell silent as the Doctor gently took her newly bandaged wrist.

“Excellent job, Yaz’s dad.” She murmured. Yaz gasped as a golden light started to glow from her wrist and a steady heat pulsed its way through her veins. The Doctor felt her jump and held her steady, not wanting her to do any more damage. “But it won’t be needed.” The Doctor carefully undid the bandage and handed it and the splint back to Hakim. Only then did she dare to look back up at Yaz.

Can you forgive me? Will you stay? The Doctor opened her mouth to speak but the words faltered. Instead she held up Yaz’s jacket.

“Thought you might miss it.” Yaz gingerly took her jacket, still nervous of her apparently-healed wrist. The Doctor let go of the jacket and brushed her hand against Yaz’s wrist. “It’s okay now, I fixed it.”

“How?” More questions, far more important ones hovered in Yaz’s mind but that was the first to come out.

“I, um, used a bit of regeneration energy. I’ve done it before; it’s perfectly safe for you.” The Doctor gabbled her words, not caring what they were talking about, just thankful that Yaz was talking to her.

“What about you?” The Doctor smiled, a proper smile, unlike any she’d given that day. Brave, beautiful Yaz, still thinking of others when she was hurting so badly herself.

“I’ll be fine. Tough as old boots, me.” She searched Yaz’s face for a hint of recognition. Her hearts leapt when the ghost of a smile graced Yaz’s face. “Can we talk?” Her eyes flicked to Hakim, hoping that Yaz would take the hint.

“I’m, er, just going out Dad.” Yaz shrugged on the jacket, surprised at the lack of pain.

“What? Yaz-” her dad put a hand on her arm.

“It’s just a talk, Dad. I won’t go anywhere.” She gently removed her dad’s hand and offered him a smile.

“Communication error,” the Doctor offered. Hakim still didn’t look impressed.

“I’ll be back soon.”


	9. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thasmin! At last!

“I haven’t forgiven you, you know.” Yaz said as she closed the door behind her.

“I know,” the Doctor said, walking over to the balcony and resting her arms on it as she looked out over the view. Yaz joined her, letting the silence between them grow long and awkward.

“I don’t know what to say,” the Doctor let out a hollow laugh. “I was so busy trying to find you I didn’t think about what-”

“Sometimes I think you get stuck in that big old head of yours.” Yaz suddenly said. “You’ve seen… so much, it must be difficult to focus on what’s happening in front of you.” She turned to face the Doctor who resolutely looked ahead. “Is that why you talk so much? It’s like- you talk a lot, an awful lot, but you don’t really say anything.” The Doctor gave a wry smile.

“Someone else told me that once.”

“But I’m not that person. I’m me. In my training I’m taught to look for the similarities in situations so that I can learn and use techniques from before, but with you… you’ve shown me that everything is different. No matter how familiar things seem- rain bathing is just like a posh spa but you took us to a different planet. You tried to talk Charlie at Kerblam down but when that didn’t work you had to try something new. Something different.” The Doctor winced at the memory. “Bad example,” Yaz trailed off.

“I’m sad I couldn’t help Charlie,” the Doctor took a breath and fidgeted with her hands. “But that’s not why it hurts. It hurts because I nearly lost you. It made me realise-” she broke off. Yaz tried hard to not imagine the rest of the sentence. “I’ve been in love before.” The Doctor said in a small voice, Yaz almost had to stop breathing to hear her. “People, they became my family. And then I lost them, every single one.” The Doctor’s speech became stilted and she paused once more. “Every time I got over the pain and pushed forward. Then I met River. She-Gods she was perfect. She knew everything about me and forgave me for it. But it was all wrong; I’d already seen her die. I was mourning her as I fell in love with her.” Yaz tried desperately not to tense up. She knew the Doctor needed to say this, but she really wished it was to someone else. “I’ve said goodbye to her so many times, she’s become a safety net. I can never truly lose her because I already have.” For the second time that day, Yaz didn’t know what to say. The Doctor looked out over the city, lost in her thoughts.

“She’s The TARDIS’s favourite, you know. Even more than me. If she knew the right way, River could whistle and the TARDIS would come running. That must be where the TARDIS got confused. I think the Secret produces a data ghost based on a brain scan, my brain scan. The TARDIS must have seen the ghost and thought it was really her.”

“But the Secret only showed a ghost?” Yaz asked quietly, unsure if she wanted the answer.

“Data ghost.” The Doctor corrected. “That’s all she is now. The first time I met her she died and I tried to save her. She ended up as data in a computer.” The Doctor dropped her head. “She deserved better.” Yaz scooted closer to the Doctor and rested an arm across her shoulders. The Doctor tensed and Yaz wondered if she’d crossed a line, but then she relaxed. After a few moments, she looked up at Yaz, tears in her eyes.

“I’m sorry Yaz.” Yaz softened.

“What for?”

“Everything. The last few days. I don’t know.” A tear escaped and trickled down the Doctor’s cheek. Yaz fought the urge to brush it away. Instead, she brought the Doctor into a hug; the Doctor buried her face in her hair, inhaling the strawberry shampoo smell that she loved so much she’d begun to borrow it.

“Doctor-” The Doctor pulled back from the hug and held Yaz’s face in her hands.

“Yaz, please. I’m scared. Every time I- I’ve lost them all. And it’s driven me mad, I’ve done things I really shouldn’t. I don’t want to do that, not for you.” Yaz gently stroked the tears from the Doctor’s cheek.

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” The Doctor gave a teary smile.

“I’ll hold you to that, Yasmin Khan.” Yaz tried to ignore the flutter in her stomach as the Doctor said her name.

When they kissed a few seconds later, she was far too distracted to even notice the flutters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, um, I really hate endings. Hope I did a decent job of it. Hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I've certainly got the bug now, I want to continue uploading stuff.  
> I've got another fic started called The Spiders from Egypt so if you liked this you might enjoy that? It's got River in. Oh, and 11.


End file.
